Team of Experts

2012 Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday Approaches!

mayan calendar

Unsatisfied with the results of Y2K, followers of the Apocalypse have adopted 2012, the official end date of Long Count Mayan Calendar, as the new official end date of mankind. Seismicon is working hard to make sure we exploit to our financial best interest any chaos, confusion, or merchandising opportunities that arise.

We offer the following advice to anyone concerned about the welfare of themselves or their families during a possible Mayan Apocalypse in 2012:

  • Hang tight. This is the third or fourth Apocalypse warning we've had in the last fifty years and California has yet to break off into the sea, computers start World War III, or a meteor strike the Earth. Consider not eating at MacDonald's or giving up cigarettes instead of obsessing about the end of the Mayan calendar. Remember, the Mayans already suffered their own Apocalypse and it's a matter of great irony that their spooky calendar didn't go down the toilet with them.
  • Adopt a Mayan god or two, just in case. The thing that really sets this Apocalypse apart from the others is that it's non-Christian in origin. This means the usual Christian alliances, both good and evil, are not likely to work since both Jesus and the Beast will sit this one out. Seismicon therefore recommends that everyone regardless of religion temporarily adopt a Mayan god to serve as protector during this challenging time.

    Options include:

    • Kukulcan the Feather Serpent
    • Gukumatz, God of the Four Elements
    • Chac, the Rain God
    • Kinich Ahau, the Sun God (recommended)
    • Yum Cimil, the Death God
    • Ixtab, the Suicide Goddess *

    * May require blood sacrifice. Do not pray to Ixtab without first consulting a professional.

  • Prepare for the unexpected. Just because we may experience a Mayan Apocalypse does not mean you should be on the lookout for macaws the size of Rodan. Keep an eye out for all the usual signs of Doomsday, including but not limited to oceans turning to blood, winged horsemen, children with fangs, alien visitation, and massive world war.
  • Beware of your toaster. There has been much speculation over the years about the disappearance of the Mayans, and although the evidence is inconclusive, we believe robots have played a part in the picture. Please unplug all appliances by 10 p.m. on December 31, 2011.
  • Have a great excuse ready. When you emerge from your bomb shelter on New Years Day, 2012, and discover the world is still intact, you're going to have some explaining to do to your wife and neighbors about why you gutted the house, buried fuel under the front lawn, and have been running around paranoid the last several years. So start working on your excuses now. Here's one we recommend: "Oh, I wasn't preparing for that Apolocalypse, I was preparing for the next one. The Ragnorak is coming in 2020.
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