Team of Experts

Student Loan Payment, Repayment, Consolidation and All Other Matters Pertaining to Student Loans

You fool. You damned fool.

You took out tens of thousands of dollars in student loans and now you are being asked to repay them.

You thought you would be rich by now, but you're not.

bloodsucker malaria mosquito death Go ahead, join the Peace Corp. We're waiting...

You heard some rumor that you could join the Peace Corps when you got out of college, but then realized you don't like malaria, insects, or just plain helping other people for that matter. Plus, it's not like they forgive your loans, they just defer them.

Then you went back to school to avoid paying your loans, but now you owe even more.

Well, welcome to the 21st Century version of wage slavery. Seismicon has one thing to say to you... GOTCHA! Funny you would come to us for advice, since a large part of the interest you will be paying for the next 30 years will be helping to pay for one of our yachts or private jets.

Sallie Mae Movie Poster

It's tough, isn't it... you can't exactly complain about being duped by the student loan industry (which includes your lovely alma matter, by the way), because you are supposed to be well-educated. In fact, taking out tens of thousands of dollars in student loans is commonly considered a wise investment.

Wise if you want to work for massive corporations your entire life.

Still, we hear at Seismicon are not completely unsympathetic to your pain. After all, we want you to pay us back for the money we loaned you, not kill yourself. So here's some useful helpful advice on student loan consolidation, repayment, and forgiveness strategies you should consider:

Don't run.
We will find you. We have global reach. Think you can fly off to Taiwan and teach English in some underground classroom without us knowing? Think again. We will yank you screaming from the classroom while your students mock you in Chinese. We will garnish your wages and stalk you by phone. We are like Death in the movie Final Destination. YOU CANNOT ESCAPE.

Don't declare backruptcy.
It won't do you any good. You'll ruin your credit and you'll still be bankrupt. This is because while you were reading about politics in school, we were playing politics in real life. While you were protesting the use of GMO's in the school cafeteria, we were turning back the bankruptcy laws on Capitol Hill to ensure we get paid no matter what.

Pray for inflation.
The thousand dollars you send us a month today won't seem so bad in twenty years. The more worthless the American dollar becomes, the more likely you are to actually have some. Do your part to help. Start a business and raise your prices immediately.

Go work overseas.
Not for the Peace Corps and not to run away -- but to work in a country where money still means something. Get paid in Euros, then convert that money to dollars and pay us.

Start saving for your kids education.
Your baby boomer parents taught you well about money, didn't they? NOT. While they were drinking margaritas in Mexico, you were hitting the beer bong at Phi Delta Debta. Now they don't have any retirement savings and you're using The Secret to solve your own problems. Do the next generation a favor -- learn how to save money.
bury your gold and save money Safeguard Your Gold!
The Bank of the Mojave Desert
Not in the stock market, but in a sock out in the desert. That's right, buy gold and bury it. Then when you pay for your kids education at an affordable public college with instate tuition, demand they study business along with Boticelli.

Consider the moon. Seismicon has several lunar construction projects that require skilled technical workers that can't be filled by our prison labor pool.

Other than that, we recommend our automatic withdrawal plan. Now quit reading and get to work!

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